Hello,
It’s been a tough week for me Period pains and period hormones are a very bloody combination. I always feel so sorry for my family… anyways I digress.
I went to visit a childhood family friend recently. I hadn’t quite been in touch with her or her family for a while and so it was amazing to catch up and just reminisce on old-times. Amidst the all the laughter and remeniscing the nostalgia was palpable. As if to crown it all my friend decided to play an old cassette video of her siblings and herself.
It turns out the trio (my friend, her sister and her brother) had formed a mini rock band when they were teenagers and were quite committed to singing for a few years. The video played on with them three singing to their hearts content; her sister on the drums, her brother playing an electronic guitar and my friend (let’s call her Janice) as the lead singer. Watching this video triggered a very old memory and I though to myself; Why did I ever bother?
Now for this question to make sense we have to go back about 30 years; back to simpler times when all my problems started and ended with homework. Janice, her siblings and I were in primary school at the same time though she is a year younger and her brother a year older. Anyways, her brother celebrated his 9th birthday party and I was invited. I remember the party being divided into two. As was typical in my childhood, the girls all scooted to one side of the party and the boys did the same save one person Janice.
Janice was smack in the middle dancing her little heart out. I can still see her; in her cute mini dress not only was she dancing happily(she was 7years old at the time), she was boldly pulling all the boys up to the centre dance floor and while all the girls were in a corner giggling and blushing, the boys wee dancing with Janice happily. She danced so freely, sang her heat out and by the end of the party we were all there with her having fun. I went home that night deciding that I wanted to be like Janice
The next day in school we all met up after school as usual waiting to be picked up by our parents and I was teasing Janice and calling her boy-crazy but in my heart I wanted to be her(red flag). Janice was typically calm and composed in school ands I assumed her part side was something she could switch on and off. What I didn’t consider is the fact that she was simply confident and bold enough not to play up that side for attention especially in school (such a confident child).
So back to the question Why did I ever bother? Watching that rock band video reminded me that for years after that birthday party, I had subconsciously punished my self for not being the life off the party because I assumed it was something I could switch on and switch off after all Janice did it. But Janice was the life of the party because it was her personality I know her and (before we grew apart) had seen her in many different scenarios and although in school she behaved accordingly she never dimmed her personality for anyone and when she felt like it her party side came out in full force.and because of that she was a people magnet. Instead of being me/myself and building my own relationships I spent a long time being covert and concluding I had a problem because I wasn’t a people magnet.
“You cannot change a man”(and vice versa) is a chorus sung at almost every singles seminar and dating event. Why? Because women in romantic relationships are always trying to change men. This warning is unfortunately not heeded as it should and typically by the time this lesson sinks in, the damage is done. When the reality dawns on an individual that “they cannot change a person” the relationship in question is either completely irreparable or on the brink of complete destruction
Unfortunately the consequence of this is not just a broken relationship but a physical as well mental exhaustion arising from the continuous attempt to alter a personality. It also further translates into a financial commitment and sacrifice on the part of the “investor” because they convince themselves that if the just try a little harder they will succeed. All sorts of unquantifiable sacrifices (spiritually, mentally, socially, etc) are made on the part of this person because to give up is to fail. Justifying self depletion as what one does for the sake of love; No! the end of that is simply heart break and emptiness. If you cannot love a person as they are and vice versa leave them alone. Stop leaving destruction all along the way on your path to happiness.
How does this affect me? For years I beat myself up for not being like Janice or should I say Janice-like. I beat myself down (see what I did there up then down lol) for not being the centre of attention because I though it was required. I struggled to be liked by all because I thought that was what I needed. This resulted into me talking down on my self and also further degenerated to me outright disliking who I was because I was so sure being Janice-like was who I needed to be to succeed as a person. I didn’t give myself a chance to know myself, to love myself to see myself let alone see those who already liked me for who I was. This seemingly small decision taken at such a young age led me on a spiral for a few years. I morphed into someone I didn’t even recognize and if I were honest with myself early enough I didn’t even like me (further destroying my self esteem).
I was 13years old the first time I had a meeting with myself (something I still do till today) and an incident forced me to reconcile the fact that I not only didn’t like myself I didn’t even know myself. I had tried very hard to be Janice-like but it wasn’t natural to me and it showed; I was tired irritable and bored all the time. The first step was to even know me and thus began my very very long, windy, painful but necessary journey to self love and self discovery.
Watching that band video brought me full circle because in my quest to become Janice-like, it was ironic that I had even forgotten Janice and the role she played in my formative years. To show it was never abut Janice it was simply self destruction. Suffice to say I am me now and I love myself a whole lot. But in that moment whilst laughing and sharing stories with an old friend I just thought to myself Why did I ever bother?.
References
- www.google.com
- ww.pinterest.com
- rahiem
- www.yahoopictures.com