You are not your Trauma

Hello,

It’s been minute. I’m sorry to whoever trusted me enough to read my blogs. I haven’t written anything of substance in nearly five years. I have been growing up. Unknown to me I had spent many years stuck in the past and stuck in my head. Fortunately this whole process has led me back to my roots . why? because at a point i wasn’t making any sense even to myself.

I was confused and needed direction. I had prayed until I hated the sound of my voice. I had cried until I looked in the mirror at my cry face and began to laugh. I had complained until I could taste bile in my mouth. Headaches were my companion, sadness gave me days off but would envelope me like a blanket periodically. The heaviness I felt was so insistent I began to put on the corresponding weight to carry the heaviness around. I would exercise and stop because even my body and my mind felt like 4 different people talking loudly at once. My skin would clear and wrinkle at will. The growth, health and length of my hair  fluctuated with my mood. oh my poor kids they didn’t know what to do with me and for me.It was a never ending sad story…

what a journey it has been, what a time of learning I’ve been immersed in. It is almost impossible to share all I have been through because my journey has been long and complicated. The lessons learned however, I can share but given that this journey is mine to embark on and to nurture,I will not share every lesson. ( some things are simply too personal) . That being said; I am going to share things I have done to help myself and steps i have taken that are helping me recover. Below will be a summary of some lessons I have picked up: at least the ones i can think off right now and as time goes I will not only share more lessons but will elaborate on some of the ones already shared. so here they come.

• You are not your Trauma

it is easy especially in this era where people crave labels to become your trauma. ( it is not out of place to hear statements like, I am a lazy eater, I am a foodie, I am a perfectionist, I am a workaholic etc) and whilst those statements in themselves may be true many times those are simply symptoms of a bigger underlying issue and so no I am not….. my trauma or its symptoms.

• You are not your Survival Mechanism

Humans develop coping mechanisms when in the midst of chaos.

These mechanisms or acquired behaviors are developed as a result of the need to survive and maybe mistaken as a persons personality. What do I mean?

• A lady for instance can become really coy and flirtatious or super stern and rigid because she works in a male dominated field and in order to get things done or be taken seriously, she evolves and morphs into this other persona.
• A child who’s being treated badly and raised in a chaotic home becomes the “funny kid” at school as a coping mechanism. It makes him likable (this compensates for the lack of love at home) and it disallows people to probe into his personal life and hides his sadness.

I have had to learn that even something as basic as being the “easy going /low maintenance friend” can have resulted from a type of phobia (i.e.trauma) e.g. need to be liked forces one to become overly agreeable because you want not to present as needy.  You act all cool and chill but underneath all that is a nagging fear of being rejected. Timidity disguised as quietness because having an opinion or expressing any form of emotion may result in being shutdown. We all know what is said about people who act strong all the time and the things they are hiding and hiding from.

• You are not your Mistakes

I feel this is self explanatory . A mistake is a mistake is a mistake. And if you made a mistake that’s it. If people were hurt by your mistake you can try to make amends but if for any reason that doesn’t work, don’t wear it like a badge. Move on.

What people think about you, is not your Business. 

This… I have observed in recent years that the people whom I invested years striving to please never cared do not care and will probably never care. They Do not Send me shikenan.

Unfortunately this bad habit of investing unnecessary time trying to please “haters” usually results in you ignoring where love abounds and is waiting for you. I do not know why humans do this but we always want the unattainable.

Go where you are loved and celebrated. I cannot say this enough times. Humans we have coconut head lol I hope we listen. The people that love you do not need you to perform for them they simply love you abundantly. why not bask in that.

Your life is your Business be Deliberate and take care of it. 

This one life you are living treat it like a business where you have just one chance . make the absolute best of every moment and opportunity. be very keen on being happy stay away from negativity with all your heart it yields absolutely nothing in return.

These are some of the lessons that pop into my mind right now . I am still on a journey and my journey is becoming less turbulent and my direction clearer. So to anyone reading this if your life has been turpsy-turvy, feel free to pause, go back to the beginning and check yourself, reflect and make amends.

Thank you.

• References

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