My Maid of Honour

In my previous blog I was simply going to blog about planning a wedding but somehow ended up blogging about my grieving process you can read it here.

Choosing a chief brides maid (maid of honour) was one of the most stressful parts of my wedding.  I had always known I didn’t like a lot of the fanfare of weddings (aso-ebi, bridal train, reception dress…etc) and I didn’t do them. My father almost had a fit when I said I didn’t want a train. He kept trying to convince me … anyways train or no train  needed a chief bridesmaid because I knew I wouldn’t be running around myself on my wedding day I would need the help.

To know my baby sister was to love her. She was kind, generous selfless, super smart and super friendly. She was very pretty and always had a clique anywhere we went. She was the ‘IT’ girl. She was in every dancing troupe she could find home, church and in the village.  In many ways was everything I wasn’t and she did it effortlessly. I m not saying this because she is dead, anybody that knew her can testify. Her death was very painful to a lot of people.

Fast forward to my wedding planning; the first night after I tried to decide on a bridesmaid I couldn’t sleep and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why.  had a legitimate reason for why noone would fit the position. My bestie said she wasn’t interested, my other friend was working in Europe and wouldn’t make the wedding( she eventually surprised me at my bridal shower), the other friends were wither in Lagos or Portharcourt etc… The reasons were endless, I started having mini panic attacks ( what if nobody like ma?, What if no one wants to one my maid of honour} crazy thoughts ruled….

To buy my wedding dress and laces for my traditional wedding my mom and I travelled to Lagos. We decided we would go by road to Lagos and then flyback to Abuja. its a 12 to 14 hour road trip depending on your speed the road, the weather etc… Anyways whilst on that road trip I remembered why my wedding was causing me sleepless nights.

You see when we were much younger as sisters we had agreed on the chief brides maid structure in the family. There was four of us so the immediate younger would do for the person above her. It was sort of an unspoken assumption. So I had played my role for my eldest sister(the second born didn’t want to be a chief brides maid) and my immediate elder sister’ wedding had been done by a cousin.  Now here I was getting married to someone my late sis didn’t know and her role was going to be given out. It made me feel guilt and I felt like I was betraying her.

Somewhere in my subconscious I always felt guilty for my sisters death. I always though that it should have been me. I felt guilty for all the times we didn’t get along and these feelings were compounded by the fact that I had family members who told me to my face that she was nicer and a better person after her passing. As if to say why did she die and you a here? I remember thinking “why are they telling just me this? I have other siblings but ….. any-who,  for reasons know only to themselves, they decided  I was the one that needed to be informed/reminded of who she was … I wrote a letter to myself and in the letter I remember writing in it  ..”But I am mourning too…”

Anyway years later after putting all my problems in Gods hands I was much better but apparently that feeling of guilt never fully left me… so here I was growing up and getting married and now she wouldn’t be at my wedding. ThankGod for the Holy Spirit,  I eventually chose a chief bridesmaid; a wonderful friend of mine I have known since we were in secondary school. And I am grateful everyday for how the wedding turned out.

I am happy that happened because it forced me to address this particular emotion and now have made peace with many things and forgiven many people and also asked forgiveness too. I know for a fact my baby sister would have loved my husband so much and vice versa and now I have a little munchkin that she would have adored to bits as well. And don’t worry sis you will always be my chief brides’ maid of honour….


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