I was reading a post on instagram recently and it got me reflecting on my life. I will post a link here but for the benefit of those not interested in going to another page, the writer tweeted/narrated how an experience she had in primary school cost her 15 years of her self esteem. and confidence She explained she was quite small and subjected to a lot of bullying and after finally summoning all the resolve she could muster in her tiny self, she went to report the bullying to the Head teacher of her school and this is where it got interesting. She says she was shut-up and dismissed in what I will categorize as “adult bullying”. In her own words, the head teacher said “so you have the guts to come and tell me”.
Gosh! I don’t know about you but I can only imagine what that would do to the heart and confidence a child of primary school age. It was such a familiar situation to me but I quickly remembered that although I had a similar situation in primary one, the response of my father gave me something that I can never buy i.e confidence and belief in myself. (kai!! my daddy showed up and showed out)…… I’m so proud.
Anyways, if I remember correctly I was flogged by my teacher, for a reason I can’t even remember …I have blogged about it in my daddy series; “the day daddy wore bum shorts”. Please read it very interesting lol!!
However, for the first time I look at that incident as more than just something funny my dad did in my childhood but as a block laid in the foundation of my self esteem. In doing what my father did, he gave me a voice. A very strong voice. Now anyone that knows me personally will attest to the fact that I am more likely to use my voice than not…( I don’t know that my husband likes this but this is not what we are discussing here).
The best part of that memory is the fact that not once did my dad ask what I did or didn’t do. He never asked. And to be honest I never thought about why he didn’t ask until recently. What that reinforced for me however is the fact that It didn’t matter what I did My father cared about how I was treated outside and he was determined to set the rules as to how I was to be treated. This is something I do without thinking when I feel myself becoming unappreciated by a person or persons, I withdraw and keep my sanity intact. It’s very painful to make that decision to separate from people you care about but I just do it and I now realize I was taught to act that way.
Also, my Dad made a statement by his reaction and not only have I never forgotten it, it has been built into my being and formed into my stance on many matter regarding parenting and even men. He gave me a voice. It’s funny how many years later even my father himself couldn’t stifle my voice anymore….. poor man but the truth is although I respected him, I would not be silent in the face of injustice.
Did I go through the teenage stage where I was timid and confused yes! but my voice had already been woven into my fabric and as soon as I felt silenced and backed into a corner I fought back. ( Goodness me you should hear my sisters “voices”, I don’t mean how loud they are but the volume of their voices…. selah figure it out…
I hope my actions give my children a voice. I hope my character gives my children a chance. I am grateful to my dad our relationship is very very far from perfect . Actually its more problematic than it is okay but I will always be grateful to him for giving me my voice and courage. 
Drawings/Pictures
- google.com
- pinterest.com
- 4570book.info
- blackafricanwoman.org