Dear Newly Wed

I made this post in 5 minutes because somebody pissed me off. So read it with that in mind, I was angry and sarcastic

Dear sister/brother,

1. Please do not be calling your husband or wife by name oh…. ahahn that’s a very bad something oh! you have to call him something like sugar, honey, butter, mayonnaise, saccharine, ice cream, chin-chin-, puff-puff, dodo, amala or even suya. If you wanna be phenomenal you can say Daddy or Mommy..yes ke; why not if not.  You have to be showing your love all around about the country and the world. Every month you must do monthiversary oh! yes please after you marry you MUST post your spouses picture and tell everybody that you did not know love till this person came along. You must tell them he/she is your everything and the person healed your aching soul. Please this is a very important point don’t miss it oh.
2. Dear Mr and Mrs Newly wed you are hereby a confirmed adviser and inspiration for the singles. (solicited or not) it is your prerogative and job to advice these our lost sisters and brothers still trapped in the shackles of singleness. You are now an adviser of the brethren…. and let me give you small “expo” marriage is the answer to any question a single person asks you and when they argue don’t forget to flash your ring. So please note that for any body complaining about weight loss, career, toothache, traffic Jam, even about the fact that there is no light the solution is marriage. Yes you have to remind them that marriage is the solution to all Nigeria’s political issues so, please as you collect you wedding certificate, that is also your certificate of advise to all the troubled souls a.k.a singles. Oh! if only they will listen to our advise they would be in paradise.
3. Dear Mr and Mrs single please change your friends.. DO NOT hang out with single people. You have moved into the upper class of existence you are hereby mandated to dump all enemies of progress. You do not need any burden and you proceed up the ladder into the realm of child bearers.
4. Dear Newly weds please do not be deceived by all these new age people talking nonsense on TV and social media especially madam, Your dressing MUST change. You are not a small babe again you have to start dressing like the madam that you are and same goes for you Mr. No more small boy clothes strictly bubus, caftans, suits, Kampala, you better throw away every thing that looks like jeans or chinos in your wardrobe. As for madam I’m sure you already dumped all those miniskirts once you got engaged, now the knee length skirts have to follow or better still sow them into the life of your “single friends”. You have to dress like a madam that her husband has money even your hairstyles you have to comply. If you are not sure what to do please contact “Sister Mary” and “Brother Joseph” they will tell you what to do.
5. You will add weight, yes oh and this weight is a blessing it shows that you are living well so please no gyming. Mrs, some people may congratulate you thinking you are now in the family way… do not be angry it is the way of marriage accept the congrats as a good person after all you are legitimate. Mr please show off your potbelly its evidence of marriage.
6. Finally not to bore you too much I will just give you a few final tips tips. Sister you cannot be too tired for sex oh…even if you went to work , then to the market and came back and cleaned the house and cooked.. hmm you must have a bath and wear your sexy outfit and give your Mr the “red light special” tiredness is not in this equation. As for our Brother don’t forget your role the money for your wife, your family, her family, people in the village, rent, trips abroad, shopping, toiletries, groceries and everything in between so you had better have good money.

On a more serious note. Your marriage is what you make of it eventually, there’s no hard and fast rule because every individual is different and as different as we are so will our marriages. Its a blank canvas feel free to write it as you please. Singles please I hope you know I’m just joking nothing personal like I said in the beginning I was simply being sarcastic.