Marriage….what I discovered after

WIDE-EYED Newlyweds

I have struggled with what to share and what not to share. Obviously I will not share everything because first of all I am still learning and so there are aspects of this marriage thing I am still figuring out. What I will share about learning marriage is about 90% my experience. I will add a little here and there from discussions with other people just to add perspective to certain aspects. I had initially asked people about their experiences and wanted to do a comprehensive write up about all our experiences but I changed my mind and decided to talk more about just my own experience. Enough of the grammar. Here are some of the things I was not prepared for.

You may receive a few slaps: Shocking I know me with my big mouth and all my women rights championing opinions, the first slap had me like, what?! AM I DREAMING? (technically I was)……


I was totally confused. You see I have never lived with a man before asides my father. I do not even have a brother so apart from isolated visits from cousins and family friends having a man at home is strange. No counselling and training mentioned this to me, I was bewildered and was totally unprepared for what could happen once I began going to bed with a 6ft 2inch hunk of a man. That first slap came when I was fast asleep dreaming of ice cream, because my tall, dark and handsome, cutie pie did not know that when turning in his sleep he had to be gentle. So I woke up abruptly from this slap to see this man fast asleep. So please if you are like me when you get married to your honey boo you may get a head butt, or random elbow in the eye or even a kick because Mr tall guy is yawning in his sleep and you are simply collateral damage.

Sex is a Mess: My God!!! Sex ………I cannot describe the apprehension and anxiety and excitement the thoughts of finally having sex with Mr man caused me. We did not have sex while dating, (good christian kids we both are) we waited till we got married before having sex and trust me it was a long and hard and intense wait, it was a wait for Africa. I had read every book about styles, positions, outfits, locations……chai!! I was ready for a showdown mehn!!! the wedding night was going to be fireworks and champagne.


So wedding night doth arriveth …. and ehnnnnnnnn yeah we got busy… So the intimacy was on point, the sex itself was fire but the details are between me and Mr. Man all would have been well with the world but the aftermath (kai! I am trying to be as unvulgar as I can be). …. let me just say this HOLLYWOOD LIES.So there I was after the DO, I wanted to do like Hollywood and get up, get a drink and walk around and feel sexy but ALAS! all sorts of liquids spilling from crevices. Nobody told me that our bodily fluids can create such a glorious mess (I’m sure everybody assumed I knew) and from my discussions even people who have been sexually active but have always used condoms, you may not be prepared as well (so don’t judge me I’m not the only one).  Newly weds you will need towels and cloths, I was not warned so yes I am ashamed to say I was unprepared for the fact that sex was a messy something.

Weight watching is necessary:  I hate cooking and my husband was concerned that when we got married he would never see food to eat. I was out to prove a point, I cooked as often as I could and my husband loves to eat together so this meant when he ate, I ate whether or not I was hungry. 7 months and 15kg later I was confused


and found myself abounding in all areas but not in a way I wanted to. Apparently there is something called “post wedding weight gain” well I had it. So now I am just trying to be a sexy, chubby mama in my afro and send these curves to the places ‘cos the truth is I want to be curvy and sexy…

Dancing in the SUN

Monitoring Spirits are Real: I got married as a 30 year old so I know first hand what it feels like for the world, the worlds’ neighbours and their cousins to monitor your dating life and ask you every random moment “when are you getting married”. If you think getting married is the solution LIES!!! (in Tamar Braxtons’ voice). The “womb watchers and the “take care of your husband watchers” will take over. It did not help that I had now gone and allowed myself add weight anyhow. I received side-eye a lot…………..

Side Eye

I was told that this weight would make my husband look outside (OH! Gosh!). I was told “you better be pregnant oh!, I was even congratulated on my baby at a point LOL!……… and No I wasn’t pregnant yet. I actually burst into tears one time when somebody gave the pregnancy speech because I was trying to get pregnant and it hadn’t happened yet…. If your husband doesn’t add weight there will also be some monitors asking you ” are you cooking for this man at all?”. PHEW!!! there shall be monitors…………

You could be lonely: If your friends are like mine they will give you space to have time with your husband, which is good but unfortunately this honey moon period may become too long and you will just be confused moving around the house or even the town wondering “who did I offend”?

Where is everybody?

Well, my close friends all mostly live outside town so, after a while I just adjusted to being in  a new house with a new bestie.

Independence Vanishes: This one troubled me a lot, kai! I was used to planning my life in my mind. I did not necessarily have to inform any one (other than for information purposes) where I was travelling to, I planned my vacations as I deemed fit and I did my alone time when I felt it there was no other factor to consider except myself and maybe church.

Random girl trips doth end

But now…….  it’s like I have an unspoken curfew, once I’m out after a certain time my “gum body” husband (clingy in English) will just be calling me per second per second… what?! Its exasperating the way they just want you around to be looking at their face.  Whether or not to sleep with the light on, even pinging in the night and also the need to disclose constantly what you spend money on not necessarily for control just for accountability ‘cos I definitely expect the same from him but I will not lie the idea of mentioning everything…urghhh *rolls eyes*….. anyways I’m still adjusting to that ish..

Squabbles on the loose: We have argued and quarreled about everything from driving, seat belts, laundry, bath time, make-up, food, sleep, wake-up, put of the light, turn it back on, the fan, the A.C is too cold, your hair is on the floor, your clothes are on the floor, we’re late, we’re too early, clean the house, don’t clean the house,   but the most surprising quarrel for me is “what to eat”. we have this fight every day including today and even tomorrow we will fight over what to eat. I do not know why he believes I have a food timetable in my mind its exhausting .. cooking every damn day ( I friggin’ hate cooking).

I do not know what to cook  Joor!

Getting married is a lot of fun but there will always be aspects of it that still shock you even after 40 years (my mom and dad) …………. I have decided to have fun with it and take each day as it comes.





4 thoughts on “Marriage….what I discovered after

  1. “So there I was after the DO, I wanted to do like Hollywood and get up, get a drink and walk around and feel sexy but ALAS! all sorts of liquids spilling from crevices.”
    Err I may not be getting the message behind the stories…but love reading them!

  2. This is an amazing write up. I hope it makes a good resource for upcoming brides. So Mr Scratch can pass for a perpetrator of wife slapping? Lmao.

    Thanks for being so open about these details. I can’t even get the nerves to write about this subject even though I want to.

    I love your blog.. I have been missing a lot of your sauce.

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