I was confused and struggling. I had gone from a wide-eyed curvy,sexy bride to a really chubby wife that hated herself. I was sad and it affected the love I gave out, even praying to God was a constant mind battle.
I have added at least 20 kg since getting married, I can’t lie to you the post-nuptial weight is not something I was warned about (Yes it is a thing). In fact I was not even aware of its existence till I got married and WHAM!!! I was 97kg before I even understood what was happening to me.
I struggled to find selflove because although my husband loved me dearly (he still does) he was unable to understand the correlation between my weight and my emotions. I suppose being a man that loved me, he could not understand why a little extra flesh was an issue for me and repeatedly he would say “why do you disturb yourself, you are perfect to me and that’s all that matters”. I think sometimes he was hurt that his love for me was not enough. It didn’t help that we live in a superficial world where everyone on Instagram is super fit and slim, wears perfect makeup and has a tiny waist that can be held with one hand. It’s super hard to appreciate yourself in the madness of our generation. It also never helps that everybody and their neighbours’ cousin feels they have the right to comment about your weight (let me spare the details for another blog post).
What many spouses and loved ones do not sometimes understand is that, there are certain aspects of yourself that can only be appreciated by you. They try really hard and sometimes it simply becomes a nuisance to the person struggling. And thinking about it now, those of us that go through these situations do not even know or have this information so you find yourself angry and upset with your loved ones.
Ultimately you have to make a deliberate decision to develop love for yourself. This decision is not an easy one because a part of us likes to play victim and point fingers and blame the whole world but ourselves. It is very uncomfortable and difficult to deal with the vulnerability and responsibility, that come with acknowledging the part you must play in your own happiness. I came to the realization of this only recently and now I am making deliberate efforts to love myself and remind myself of the greatness that is me and who God created me to be.
So what do I do differently now? I read love stories, watch comedy and laugh out loud, spend hours doing my make up even when I am simply going to the neighbours, I deliberately spend a little more time at the dinning table after eating instead of rushing off to do the dishes, and lastly I ask other people if they have struggled like me. Some shared their stories and we laughed and all of a sudden it seemed less of a burden because I was not alone. In doing these things I enjoy and that make me feel good, I embraced the new found curves I had developed, and people perceived this and embraced them with me (yes your aura speaks). I developed a glow and someone even commented saying “you look like a new bride again you’re glowing.”
To any of my sisters or brother struggling to find self love for whatever reason you are not alone there have been people before you and there will be others after you, learn from it and teach from it. Eventually what you may need to do is find yourself and appreciate yourself. I believe all the love you need for yourself will bubble out of your heart.
I love me, I am awesome and so are you.