It’s twenty years today 13th may 2022. I have not given myself permission to have these memories in over a decade, heck over 15 years. The last time I allowed my mind travel I was on a road trip to Lagos to shop for my wedding, that was May 2016. I remember feeling terrible and not wanting a chief bridesmaid because all I kept thinking about was the fact that if she were alive it would be a no brainer but I settled that and was happy with my choice. In that moment I missed her like crazy and the next time i thought about her deeply was when my daughters EDD was given to me ( they were almost birthday mates). Anyways this week I have allowed my self the misery of reliving some of the most unpleasant memories of that time.
I remember the Tears……The night the news came that she had passed I remember my fathers scream(blood curling), I remember running down the stairs into the living room and seeing a very weird assortment of my fathers’ and mothers friends. Aunty Adama was even in pajamas so odd, and i saw her tears, I saw my fathers tears and I remember the confusion in my head I heard loud rushing sounds. My mom had travelled a day or so before that and so my first thought and words were “what happened to mommy?” and the response from the housekeeper wailing by the stairs was
Emma is dead!
“Who is Emma?” I asked because my brain couldn’t and wouldn’t reconcile the information I was given with the person I knew to be Emma
I remember my tears welling up and how abruptly they stopped because within seconds I told myself I was having a nightmare. I went back straight to bed and was sound asleep in seconds. Waking up early the next day to check and see if it was indeed a nightmare. Then I remember my fathers tears, walking into his room that morning to see him sobbing looking at pictures of his Emma and asking why? (these sounds haunted me for years). I remember my cousins tears… oh my aunty (Emmas’ favourite) I remember her wailing inconsolably, her tears I remember it all and for these memories I have paid with my sleep for weeks.
I remember blood… her blood mostly . This memory isn’t even mine completely but then again what does it matter … for months I saw it whenever I closed my eyes. ( I keep within my sisters and I the details of this )….. hemorrhage they call it ….. blood is all saw…. at eleven, what did she know about blood this child hadn’t even had the unpleasant pleasure of witnessing her monthly cycle… she wasn’t ready , it wasn’t time .
I remember nail polish…. When I was still in secondary school one time I went back to school with sparkly blue nail polish on my hands. I don’t know how I got away with that but it was one of those things. Painting nails and wearing make and doing hair were favourite pastimes in my family back then and so I still see her painting her nails chatting away……. we both painted ur nails that holiday …and as anyone so young who loves fashion would , you left the nail polish on too long and so lying-in state cold as ice whilst her eyes had tears and her brain bled her toe nails still had nail polish from the holiday she just had
Emma I remember many things about you today . I love you so much I miss you so much.
