The first night, I couldn’t sleep the tears wouldn’t stop pouring and the sad part is that Mr. Man was sound asleep right beside me and my ego meant It was important that he didn’t hear me cry. Me sleeping in the next room would add a brand new dynamic to the issue at hand and create dimensions I wasn’t prepared to deal with. So I stayed in bed beside him and I cried till the early hours of the morning. I finally dozed off in the wee hours of the morning, I woke up exhausted, moody and drained; physically and emotionally.
I have a very imaginative mind and trying to sort it out always sends me into long periods of silence and quiet spells so sometimes I am quiet and withdrawn.
Prior to bed time I had tried to look into my husband’s eyes and I realized that he simply didn’t notice me anymore almost like he was making an effort to avoid me. I looked at his face and he looked slightly irritated. Gosh this send my mind spiraling into fifty different directions. I began to ask myself questions like
“Is this how my marriage will finally end?”,
“Have I ruined my marriage?”, “Is it that girl in the choir?”
“Why do bad things always happen to me?” more tears…. Everything I had ever heard about a failed marriage came to my memory. The silent treatment, loss of communication, INFERTILITY AH! This is bad I jumped up and ran to get my testing Kit…
For two days now the questions raving in my mind had been endless, I had started to loose appetite, my vision had become blurry and I became even more tired and started feeling like I was having a fever.
The second morning I got to work and normally my husband would call 3 or 4 times during the day to say random stuff. This is usually in addition to endless chatter between us via every social media and texting platform we had access to; Whats-app, Instagram, Facebook, BBM, Skype etc. name It, we used it. Sometimes he would even show up at my office just to bring me a drink, doughnut or whatever something random, that had been our pattern since we met this includes pre-dating days, however today not even a text message to say hey.
I literally felt my BP start dropping and the blurry vision had worsened I also had dizzy spells randomly. I told myself it was that time of the month but the truth is at 31 years of age, I have seen every variant of my monthly cycle I had been on the monthly journey since I turned 13 trust me I know every possible drama it can bring … this was different. Am I pregnant I thought for the umpteenth time, my mind flashed back to two nights before.
……. I got all the pregnancy tests I had at home (18 total) I spent a good portion of the night or should I say early morning, peeing on every damn stick, carbon testing thingy etc. I had at home (there are many kinds of pregnancy tests not just the sticks we see in movies) any ways three hours and many tears later I am not pregnant. Sadly, I have wasted all those tests because “ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH”. How can I be pregnant? “Infertility” the word starts to ring in my brain. All the stories of marriages that crashed because of infertility come to mind. I count three on my fingers in less than a minute. “Aunty Ene, Aunty Ogwa …… “I am finished” My husband is leaving me” …… tired and depressed I fell into a fitful sleep.
By the time Mr. Man came to pick me up from work the evening of the second day. I was already in a rut temperature spiking, hormones on overdrive. Paranoia had set in. I had somehow managed to convince myself yet again that I was pregnant and so the moment I got home despite the fact that it was “that time of the month” and all, I ran to the rest room and did another batch of tests. I had three tests left from two nights before.
I came out of the rest room in a bit of a daze thinking to myself “I am sure Mr. Man is wondering what I’ve been doing in the rest room. On getting to the living room, he had carried the car keys talking to no one in particular and the rest of the room I guess, based on where he eyes fell while speaking. He was off to “choir rehearsal” he said not even a glance at me.
I thought “YEPA!” I am dead! I have chased my husband into the arms of one of those foolish girls in Choir. I started asking myself “Abi, am I infertile why am I not pregnant? …. I started thinking of a particular girl he had mentioned to me
By the time Mr. Man is back from church I’ve thrown up twice, I’ve tried coking and made a mess of things, cut my finger, I felt so ill. He simply ignores me, picks up his phone browses a bit and goes to bed. HAH! I’ve started praying all the Rev Funke Adejumo styled prayers. If you know her, you know what I mean.
I get to bed; I cry myself to sleep second night in a row.
I wake up 3:30am sick, ill, not even sure what I feel, tired, eyes swollen, seeing and hearing things, nightmares and all. I look over at Mr. man he is sound asleep. I start plotting and thinking ‘do I wake him up? how do I do it? What do I say?’ So I wait till 5:30am and finally gather the liver to wake him up and I finally twist and turn in bed until I’m sure I sorta kinda woke him up, then when I knew he was awake-ish I poked him with my foot.
He is awake now for sure. Then I ask with a very small tired shaky voice “Why are u treating me like this?” Mr. man springs to life immediately asking me “Treating you how”? I ask him again “Why’re you treating me like dirt?” he looks genuinely concerned “HOW?” he asks. I start bawling, and attepting to explain in words mixed with sobs, I’m sure Mr. Man just heard random words like “end” “infertile” “divorce” etc. It’s a mess.
After that episode, Mr. man lets me rant and rave when I’m done wailing he simply says “you’d been quiet for a few days and I thought you needed some time, some space. You always complain that you need space and besides after the argument in the car you haven’t said a word to me.
So let me back up a bit. Two days earlier Mr. man and I got into a spat over some pictures we wanted to put in a frame. He had done some editing and printing, I didn’t like the pictures he chose, I said I hated the pictures he chose, he hated the fact that I said I hated the pictures he chose, bla bla bla ….. nothing outta the ordinary.
What Mr. Man did not realise at the time was that I was having menstrual cramps from the pit of hell coupled with the amount of blood I was losing (pardon my grossness), a week from hell at work all this is in further addition to the fact that I do not argue when I am angry because I have the tongue equivalent of a dragons’ fire and I know it. I am one of those people that flares up initially after which a devilish calmness comes over me and then when I open my mouth the output is lethal (I digress). Anyways in summary I was unable to sustain and argument at that time so I went into a silence and when I got home I went straight to bed trust me menstrual cramps are demonic. kai…
So after he said that he hugged me said he was sorry he didn’t realise all this was going on he just felt I needed some time to do my own thing. I gave him a lecture about assuming anything because me and attention form Mr. man have a love hate relationship. I’m not exactly the mushiest person alive but it’s a “stop it. I like it” kinda thing. The moment that conversation was over, Instantaneously the sun came out, the birds began to sing, I saw butterflies, bees buzzing, my temperature returned to normal, the cramps disappeared, the hormones fixed themselves, my vision returned to normal, my rationality returned… it was ridiculous.
Anyways the point is, in that 48-hour period all my husband was thinking was “she needs space let me let her breathe. Whereas in my mind, I was infertile, I had almost ended my marriage, my life was over.
Dear Mr. Man,
Please remember that whilst you are from Mars, Women are from Venus.